חתימה בתעודה
משה:"אבא אתה יכול לכתוב בחושך?"
אבא:"כן בני, רק מה אתה רוצה שאני אכתוב?"
משה:"את השם שלך על התעודה שלי"…
משה:"אבא אתה יכול לכתוב בחושך?"
אבא:"כן בני, רק מה אתה רוצה שאני אכתוב?"
משה:"את השם שלך על התעודה שלי"…
Friday, June 10, 2011
איש שמן
איש שמן איש אחד שמן עומד ליד גן ילדים. יוצאת הגננת ושואלת אותו :"סליחה,אתה מצפה לילד?"
עונה האיש:"לא אני סתם שמן".
עונה האיש:"לא אני סתם שמן".
שמן ורזה
שמן ורזה שמן ורזה נפגשים ברחוב
השמן אומר לרזה: "כשמסתכלים עליך חושבים שאין אוכל בעולם!".
עונה לו הרזה: "וכשמסתכלים עליך מבינים למה…".
השמן אומר לרזה: "כשמסתכלים עליך חושבים שאין אוכל בעולם!".
עונה לו הרזה: "וכשמסתכלים עליך מבינים למה…".
שנייה שווה מיליון
שנייה שווה מיליון ערב אחד יוצא איש מביתו ובדרך פוגש את אלוהים.
האיש: כמה אצלך זה שניה?
אלוהים: מיליון שנה
האיש: וכמה אצלך זה שקל?
אלוהים: מיליון שקל
האיש: אז אולי תיתן לי שקל?
אלוהים: אין בעיה חכה שניה…
האיש: כמה אצלך זה שניה?
אלוהים: מיליון שנה
האיש: וכמה אצלך זה שקל?
אלוהים: מיליון שקל
האיש: אז אולי תיתן לי שקל?
אלוהים: אין בעיה חכה שניה…
Monday, June 6, 2011
your check came back
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, I'm sorry to have to tell you but your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered: "So did my arthritis!"
Don't be silly
A woman called her mother complaining that her husband was being horrible to her again.
"I've had enough Mum" she said. "I wanna come back and move into you for a week to teach him a lesson".
"Dont be silly" said her mother. "If you want to teach him a lesson, why not have me move in with you for a week!!!"
"I've had enough Mum" she said. "I wanna come back and move into you for a week to teach him a lesson".
"Dont be silly" said her mother. "If you want to teach him a lesson, why not have me move in with you for a week!!!"
мэр и заправщик
… Когда мэр одного американского города заехал на автозаправочную станцию, то его жена обратила внимание на работника, который подошел заправить машину бензином.
— Этот человек когда-то ухаживал за мной! — вдруг сказала она.
— Ты рада, что вышла замуж за меня, а не за него? — отреагировал муж. — Ведь ты стала женой мэра, а могла стать женой заправщика.
— Если бы я вышла замуж за него, то мэром стал бы он!
Where is medicine first mentioned in the Bible?
Q: Where is medicine first mentioned in the Bible?
A: When God gave Moses two tablets.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
What's for supper?
Omer joke: Moishe comes home from work; says to his wife "What's for supper?"
She says, "Yesterday you had fish."
:o)
(from Michael Grant)
Это у тебя жена корова, а у меня - львица!
притча: Бык со львом пьют пиво. У льва звонит мобильник, он берет трубку. -Да, милая, - говорит лев, - скоро буду. Что делаю? С быком пиво пью.Когда закончим? А мы уже почти закончили - бегу чрез пару минут. Чтокупить? Ага, хорошо, обязательно -конечно, все запомнил, все куплю!Лев кладет трубку, а бык смеется. Мол, как это так, тебе женапозвонила, а ты ей: да-да, уже бегу, все куплю. Не можешь, чтоли, хлопнуть по столу кулаком: мол, я мужик, и все! А Лев ему отвечает:- Братан, ты не путай. Это у тебя жена корова, а у меня - львица!
we're going to be three instead of two
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two." Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us." (from Irina Nisanova)
всем, что я знаю, я обязан своей маме
всем, что я знаю, я обязан своей маме
1) мама учила меня уважать чужой труд:
"если вы собрались переубивать друг друга - идите на улицу, я только что полы вымыла"
2) мама научила меня высшей справедливости:
"чтоб твои дети были такие же, как ты!"
3) мама учила меня мыслить логично:
"потому что я так сказала, вот почему"
4) мама учила меня думать о последствиях:
"вот вывалишься сейчас из окна - не возьму тебя с собой в магазин!"
5) мама объяснила мне причинно-следственные связи:
"если ты сейчас же не перестанешь реветь - я тебя отшлепаю"
6) мама учила меня преодолевать невозможное:
"закрой рот и ешь суп"
7) мама научила меня стойкости:
"не выйдешь из-за стола, пока не доешь"
8) мама учила меня не завидовать:
"да в мире миллионы детей, которым не так повезло с родителями, как тебе"
9) мама учила меня смело смотреть в будущее:
"уж погоди, дома я с тобой поговорю"
10) мама научила меня основам самолечения:
"если не перестанешь косить глазами - на всю жизнь так останешься"
11) мама научила меня экстрасенсорике:
"надень свитер - я же знаю, что тебе холодно!"
12) мама научила меня как стать взрослым:
"если не будешь есть овощи - никогда не вырастешь"
13) мама преподала мне основы генетики:
"это у тебя все от отца!"
---------------
Мама пишет письмо сыну в тюрьму: - Сынок с тех пор как тебя посадили мне всё тяжелее справляться по хозяйству. Вот сейчас надо огород перекопать и картошку посадить, а помочь некому. Сын отписывает: - Мама вы огород не трогайте, а то такое выкопаете, что и вас посадят и мне срок добавят. Мама отвечает: - Сынок после твоего последнего письма приходили милиционеры, весь огород перекопали, ничего не нашли. Ушли злые, матерились. Сын пишет в ответ: - Чем смог - помог. Картошку сами посадите
(Elvin Sidgiyayev)
-----------------
1) мама учила меня уважать чужой труд:
"если вы собрались переубивать друг друга - идите на улицу, я только что полы вымыла"
2) мама научила меня высшей справедливости:
"чтоб твои дети были такие же, как ты!"
3) мама учила меня мыслить логично:
"потому что я так сказала, вот почему"
4) мама учила меня думать о последствиях:
"вот вывалишься сейчас из окна - не возьму тебя с собой в магазин!"
5) мама объяснила мне причинно-следственные связи:
"если ты сейчас же не перестанешь реветь - я тебя отшлепаю"
6) мама учила меня преодолевать невозможное:
"закрой рот и ешь суп"
7) мама научила меня стойкости:
"не выйдешь из-за стола, пока не доешь"
8) мама учила меня не завидовать:
"да в мире миллионы детей, которым не так повезло с родителями, как тебе"
9) мама учила меня смело смотреть в будущее:
"уж погоди, дома я с тобой поговорю"
10) мама научила меня основам самолечения:
"если не перестанешь косить глазами - на всю жизнь так останешься"
11) мама научила меня экстрасенсорике:
"надень свитер - я же знаю, что тебе холодно!"
12) мама научила меня как стать взрослым:
"если не будешь есть овощи - никогда не вырастешь"
13) мама преподала мне основы генетики:
"это у тебя все от отца!"
---------------
Мама пишет письмо сыну в тюрьму: - Сынок с тех пор как тебя посадили мне всё тяжелее справляться по хозяйству. Вот сейчас надо огород перекопать и картошку посадить, а помочь некому. Сын отписывает: - Мама вы огород не трогайте, а то такое выкопаете, что и вас посадят и мне срок добавят. Мама отвечает: - Сынок после твоего последнего письма приходили милиционеры, весь огород перекопали, ничего не нашли. Ушли злые, матерились. Сын пишет в ответ: - Чем смог - помог. Картошку сами посадите
(Elvin Sidgiyayev)
-----------------
MORE hillarious jokes...
-----------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------
There was a student that made a lot of problems in class; he fought
with classmates, made a lot of noise…
The teacher tried a lot of things, but nothing helped.
He decided to tell the father about his son’s behavior.
Father: “What do you want me to do?”
Teacher: “Maybe take him for a check-up.”
Father: “How is that going to help?”
Te acher: “Maybe the child should take Ritalin (a calming drug).”
Father: “How am I going to get this Ritalin?”
Teacher: “No problem, I’ll get it, and the child should take the pill
every morning and everything will be o.k....”
Father: “Who is going to remember to give it to the child every day in
a house full of children?”
Teacher: “I’ll worry about it. I’ll make sure he takes it every morning.”
Father: “But I don’t want the whole class to know about it.”
Teacher: “No, no, I’ll make sure that no one sees. I’ll put the pill
in the teacher’s room next to the coffee machine. Every morning I’ll
send your son to make my coffee and at the same time he’ll take his
pill. Like this no one will know.”
The father agreed to the plan. Every morning the teacher prepared the
pill next to the coffee machine and went into class. After a few
minutes the child would come in with the coffee, and everything went
fine.
And now the atmosphere in the class was calm. The child wasn’t sent
out of class and there were no fights!
After a few weeks, the mother asked the child: “Nu, what’s doing in class?”
Child: “Great!”
Mother: “What happened that everything’s so good?”
Child: “It’s very simple. Every morning the teacher sends me to make
his coffee. I go into the teacher’s room and there there’s a special
pill! I put the pill into the coffee and after he finishes to drink
it, everything in the class is 100%!!!”
-----------------------------------------------------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200
in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....
-----------------------------------------------------
What did לוט say when he saw his wife turn in to salt?
יחי המלח
-----------------------------------------------------
What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
“Is ANYTHING all right?”
-----------------------------------------------------
Husband: I'll admit I'm wrong if you'll admit I'm right.
Wife: OK. You go first.
Husband: Ok... I'm wrong.
Wife: You’re right!
-----------------------------------------------------
a man n his wife had a bad argument.The results was...giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
-----------------------------------------------------
Don't criticize your wife. If she were perfect, she'd marry better ! ;)
-----------------------------------------------------
Dear Mother-in-Law, Please don't try to tell me how to raise my kids! I'm married to one of yours and believe me,there's much room for improvement!
-----------------------------------------------------
A little boy once returned home from Hebrew school and his father asked, "what did you learn today?"
He answered, "The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt."
"How?"
The boy said "Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharoah up. Then while he was down, he got all the people together and ran towards the sea. When he got there, he has the Corps of Engineers build a huge pontoon bridge. Once they got on the other side, they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross."
The father was shocked. "Is that what the Rabbi taught you?"
The boy replied, "No. But you'd never beleive the story he DID tell us!"
-----------------------------------------------------
I just sold my vacuum cleaner on ebay. It was only gathering dust.
-----------------------------------------------------
What do you call a dinosaur that doesn't believe in his own existence?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
An Apicasaurus
-----------------------------------------------------
Olam Hafuch Raeesee!
I was walking in the street and saw a lady with her dog in a baby carraige
then a little while later I saw a boy on a leash
-----------------------------------------------------
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
-----------------------------------------------------
An advantage of old age is the fact that you can sing whilst brushing your teeth!
-----------------------------------------------------
A choson married a london girl wanted to tell her she looks good, he said you look like a million pounds...
-----------------------------------------------------
BIRTH
ORDER OF CHILDREN
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
-
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
-
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in..
-
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children
-----------------------------------------------------
I do ten sit ups every morning. It might not sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
-----------------------------------------------------
My boss has not paid my wages for 40 days.
I promised him I would publicize it and I saw a yeshua
-----------------------------------------------------
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came
to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote,
"No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in
the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
-----------------------------------------------------
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Chaim and his wife Shira listened to the instructor declare, "It's essential that husbands and wives are aware of the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Chaim leaned over to his wife and asked in a whisper, "Kemach All-Purpose, isn't it?"
-
from:http://www.theyeshivaworld.com
-----------------------------------------------------
There was a student that made a lot of problems in class; he fought
with classmates, made a lot of noise…
The teacher tried a lot of things, but nothing helped.
He decided to tell the father about his son’s behavior.
Father: “What do you want me to do?”
Teacher: “Maybe take him for a check-up.”
Father: “How is that going to help?”
Te acher: “Maybe the child should take Ritalin (a calming drug).”
Father: “How am I going to get this Ritalin?”
Teacher: “No problem, I’ll get it, and the child should take the pill
every morning and everything will be o.k....”
Father: “Who is going to remember to give it to the child every day in
a house full of children?”
Teacher: “I’ll worry about it. I’ll make sure he takes it every morning.”
Father: “But I don’t want the whole class to know about it.”
Teacher: “No, no, I’ll make sure that no one sees. I’ll put the pill
in the teacher’s room next to the coffee machine. Every morning I’ll
send your son to make my coffee and at the same time he’ll take his
pill. Like this no one will know.”
The father agreed to the plan. Every morning the teacher prepared the
pill next to the coffee machine and went into class. After a few
minutes the child would come in with the coffee, and everything went
fine.
And now the atmosphere in the class was calm. The child wasn’t sent
out of class and there were no fights!
After a few weeks, the mother asked the child: “Nu, what’s doing in class?”
Child: “Great!”
Mother: “What happened that everything’s so good?”
Child: “It’s very simple. Every morning the teacher sends me to make
his coffee. I go into the teacher’s room and there there’s a special
pill! I put the pill into the coffee and after he finishes to drink
it, everything in the class is 100%!!!”
-----------------------------------------------------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200
in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....
-----------------------------------------------------
What did לוט say when he saw his wife turn in to salt?
יחי המלח
-----------------------------------------------------
What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
“Is ANYTHING all right?”
-----------------------------------------------------
Husband: I'll admit I'm wrong if you'll admit I'm right.
Wife: OK. You go first.
Husband: Ok... I'm wrong.
Wife: You’re right!
-----------------------------------------------------
a man n his wife had a bad argument.The results was...giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
-----------------------------------------------------
Don't criticize your wife. If she were perfect, she'd marry better ! ;)
-----------------------------------------------------
Dear Mother-in-Law, Please don't try to tell me how to raise my kids! I'm married to one of yours and believe me,there's much room for improvement!
-----------------------------------------------------
A little boy once returned home from Hebrew school and his father asked, "what did you learn today?"
He answered, "The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt."
"How?"
The boy said "Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharoah up. Then while he was down, he got all the people together and ran towards the sea. When he got there, he has the Corps of Engineers build a huge pontoon bridge. Once they got on the other side, they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross."
The father was shocked. "Is that what the Rabbi taught you?"
The boy replied, "No. But you'd never beleive the story he DID tell us!"
-----------------------------------------------------
I just sold my vacuum cleaner on ebay. It was only gathering dust.
-----------------------------------------------------
What do you call a dinosaur that doesn't believe in his own existence?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
An Apicasaurus
-----------------------------------------------------
Olam Hafuch Raeesee!
I was walking in the street and saw a lady with her dog in a baby carraige
then a little while later I saw a boy on a leash
-----------------------------------------------------
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
-----------------------------------------------------
An advantage of old age is the fact that you can sing whilst brushing your teeth!
-----------------------------------------------------
A choson married a london girl wanted to tell her she looks good, he said you look like a million pounds...
-----------------------------------------------------
BIRTH
ORDER OF CHILDREN
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
-
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
-
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in..
-
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children
-----------------------------------------------------
I do ten sit ups every morning. It might not sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
-----------------------------------------------------
My boss has not paid my wages for 40 days.
I promised him I would publicize it and I saw a yeshua
-----------------------------------------------------
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came
to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote,
"No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in
the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
-----------------------------------------------------
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Chaim and his wife Shira listened to the instructor declare, "It's essential that husbands and wives are aware of the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Chaim leaned over to his wife and asked in a whisper, "Kemach All-Purpose, isn't it?"
-
from:http://www.theyeshivaworld.com
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